Today is October 1. It’s the beginning of mental health awareness month, and it marks the first anniversary of the death of my sweet father.
Mental Health IS Health
Let me begin by saying that mental health IS health. We are holistic beings, and it is impossible to separate our physical, mental, spiritual, and relational selves from each other. They dance together and are critical to our health and happiness.
So, throughout the month, I will share information and strategies for caring for our emotional and mental well-being as it relates to our holistic health.
The Many Facets of Grief
Today, my grief feels palpable for many reasons, so I would like to begin this series by talking about the many facets of grief.
Grief is a tough one—anybody who knows love knows grief. But despite being “experts,” we tend to feel surprised and shocked when grief hits us. We are at a loss for what to say or do for ourselves or others. We often want it to “disappear” to relieve ourselves of the pain. Or eliminate it in others so they and we can feel better.
Common Phrases We Use to Cope with Grief
“Be grateful– they lived a long life.”
I get this one. My Nana died at 105, and I clearly recognized that her death was not tragic or a shock but rather the normal passage of time. She DID live a long and beautiful life, AND losing her, my soulmate, was so painful. A deep pain that often made me feel ashamed or self-indulgent. I intellectually recognize that others have suffered unfair, tragic, painful losses that left families paralyzed with pain.
My reconciliation of these facts AND my deep sadness helped me explore and examine grief through another lens. What I came to was the realization that the how and why of Nana’s death didn’t change my sadness about losing her. I know this is also the experience of many people that I counsel.
“They are free from pain now and in a better place.”
As I mentioned, my father passed away exactly one year ago today; he was 92 years old and died from lung cancer. I get this one, too. I have had the privilege of being bedside or in bed with many family members at home when they took their last breath. For most, it was a peaceful passing and a gift to be present. But my father’s passing was not calm or easy. It was hard, painful, and challenging to watch. It took the better part of the year for me to release the traumatic images. I prayed for his passing—for him to be free from pain, but in the end, the sentiment of “at least he is pain-free” hasn’t helped me with missing and longing for my father.
Grief’s Hidden Depths: Understanding The Many Layers
I have come to appreciate that grief is just not a big enough word to cover everything that it means. The word grief is most often used in reference to the actual death of somebody we love. But we also can grieve the ending of relationships and transitions in our lives—letting go of familiar people, places, and experiences as we move on to another phase of our lives.
Then, there is the grief and loneliness that comes when we are grieving. These changes come when somebody we love is struggling with dementia or other chronic illnesses that change them and subsequently change our relationship with them. It is the slow and steady constant weight of grieving the loss.
Yep, grief can be a tricky b**ch –creeping in when we least expect it or masquerading as anxiety or anger.
Anticipatory Grief
There is also something we call anticipatory grief. The sadness, fear, anxiety, numbness, disbelief, and depression that can envelop us when we are facing an impending loss. Perhaps knowing that you or somebody you love will not be here for very long.
Of course, we all could be gone tomorrow, but there is a different grief when you know the ending is coming for yourself or somebody you love and the fear and sadness that sits deep in that kind of grief.
How Do We Navigate Grief?
My simple answer is that we have to go through it. There is no bypass or workaround. We can try to avoid it, minimize it, or say trite things to ourselves to “get rid of it,” but in the end, it will keep showing up until we work our way through it.
We live with grief because we live with love.
Love and Grief: Inseparable Emotions
This sentiment hit me hard this past weekend at my niece’s wedding. Our hearts were full of joy, laughter, and sadness, knowing that this family celebration could be our last. And still, we showed up for each other, savoring the moments that I know will be part of our joyful remembrance and our grief. We didn’t fight it; we embraced it all.
It was a stark reminder of life’s delicate balance—happiness and sadness intertwined. Yet, we chose to be fully present, embracing both love and loss with courage.
Rumi’s Wisdom: The Melody Lingers On
Rumi’s words ring true: “The song is ended, but the melody lingers on.“ The melody of life carries us forward, even as moments pass.
While deeply painful, grief becomes a profound teacher, reshaping us in ways that joy cannot. It changes our perspectives, making us value the people and moments that remain even more.
Grief is an agent of change. It reshapes our lives, influencing how we love, live, and look to the future. Each family gathering serves as a reminder of this transformation, offering us a chance to reflect on the lives that have touched us and the legacy we will leave for those who come after us.
We live with grief because we live with love.
Living Greedy For Life®
Nana was deeply aware of this and clearly knew the secret to life. She understood that the challenge is to live fully, knowing there is an end for each of us and for the people we love. Living Greedy for Life® takes it all in, feels it, absorbs it, and can fully love and fully grieve.
Grief’s Pain: A Journey of Self-Compassion and Connection
Grief is physically, emotionally, and spiritually painful. We must work through it by practicing self-compassion, accepting our fragility and need for support, and paying attention to what we are feeling—anxiety, fear, sadness, tension, etc. We can’t rely on coping strategies if we haven’t accurately labeled the emotion we are managing.
The journey of grief is personal. Your loss is your loss. Your pain is your pain. The meaning of your loss is your meaning. But this doesn’t mean that grieving needs to be in isolation. Sharing your feelings and connecting with others on a similar loss journey can be helpful.
