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Six steps. That’s how far my grandmother’s bedroom was from mine when she came to live with us. Close enough that I could always hear if she needed me. I didn’t call myself a caregiver back then. I was just her granddaughter. But looking back now, I understand exactly what I was — a first first responder. In this episode, I want to explore the quiet, unglamorous, world-changing work of the people who show up before the crisis, before you ask, before anyone knows you needed them.
What Is a First First Responder?
Author Elizabeth Lesser calls them the first first responders — not the people who arrive after everything falls apart, but the ones who are already there. Upstream. Noticing, reaching, connecting in ways that quietly change the entire trajectory of what comes next.
The teacher who sees a child slipping before anyone else does. The friend who calls on the day you needed it most without knowing why. The person who shows up every single week to a support group not because it’s expected, but because they understand that caregivers need caregivers too.
These are the real change makers. Not the loudest ones. Not even the most visible. The ones who got there first.
What My Family Taught Me About Showing Up
When I trace this back, I see it everywhere in my own family. My father who ran pipes from the mountains in Pennsylvania so my great-grandparents wouldn’t have to carry water. My mother who took in a difficult aunt when her wealthy friends had quietly disappeared. My grandparents who offered free lunches at their small restaurant in Punxsutawney in a way that made sure no family ever had to feel ashamed for needing it. They didn’t respond with a handout. They created a gathering. That’s upstream caregiving — getting there first not just with resources, but with dignity.
The Caregiver Who Needs a Caregiver
When my husband Jay was diagnosed with cancer, I found myself holding two roles at once — his caregiver and a person who desperately needed care herself. Those two things, which we almost never talk about together, were sitting right next to each other every single day.
If you are the one holding things together for someone else right now — a partner, a parent, a child, a friend — and you are quietly running low, I want you to know this episode sees you. The culture around us is not good at seeing the person behind the caregiver. But that person matters. And that role matters.
What the Research Tells Us About Gratitude and Healing
The research on post-traumatic growth points again and again to the same thing. It’s not just time. It’s not just resilience. It is the presence of people who bore witness — who stayed close enough and long enough that our story did not have to be carried alone. The first first responders are often the reason hardship becomes growth instead of just damage.
And when we name them — when we turn around and say I see what you did and I am different because of it — we are not just honoring them. We are completing something in ourselves. Closing a loop that many of us carry open for years without realizing it.
What I Want You to Do This Week
Before this episode fades and the next thing pulls your attention, pause. Think of the person who showed up on the hard days before you announced them as hard. Who witnessed your fear and your hope and your exhaustion and stayed anyway? Who got there first?
And then tell them. This week. A text, a call, a note. It doesn’t have to be long or eloquent. Just: I see you. I know what you did. And it mattered more than you know.
Share this episode with your first, first responders. They deserve the light.
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Quotes From This Episode
“We only ever notice the house that burned. We rarely stop to think about all the fires that never started because someone was paying attention.” (0:00)
“This is what upstream caregiving looks like — getting there first not just with resources, but with dignity.”
“There is something profound about truly being seen in your hardest moments. Not fixed, not advised. Just held in someone’s attention.”
“The first first responders are not trending. They don’t have a platform. They’re not collecting awards. They’re just showing up quietly, consistently, upstream.”
“The caregiver who needs a caregiver — that’s a real thing. And most of the time, we don’t say it out loud.”
“When we name them, we are not just honoring them. We are completing something in ourselves.”
Coming Up
Dr. Lori is bringing you a conversation with a woman who cared for her husband through the long journey of Alzheimer’s disease — a story of love, hardship, loss, and the quiet constellation of people who made it possible for her to keep going. And how her journal became a published book of poetry to offer support for others. Stay connected so you don’t miss it.
