In my house growing up, there were certain words we simply couldn’t say. Shut up was off-limits. Fart was too crude—my mother preferred what she considered a gentler term: fluff. And then, of course, there was the F word—which, as an adult, I tried so hard to get my 105-year-old Nana to say just once.
She never did. She’d cover her ears and laugh every time I said it, but she held that boundary firm.
“I love you” was used often—as was “I’m proud of you.” Those words were woven into our daily life, said without hesitation or occasion.
But in school, I started to learn my labels. Talkative. Clumsy. Uncoordinated. Smart. Skinny. Sickly. Fragile. Too sensitive.
I’m sure there were more, but those are the ones I carried into adulthood. Some felt flattering at the time. Others stung. They all became part of how I understood myself—not because they were true, but because they were named.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more aware of the language that shaped the generations before me. My mother’s generation used words that often carried the shame placed on women. I remember hearing someone pregnant described as “she got that way.” I always found that phrase odd. It felt vague, almost absurd—until I understood its roots.
It was a linguistic shrug, a coded way of talking around women’s bodies, sexuality, and autonomy. That phrase—she got that way—wasn’t just awkward. It was loaded with cultural shame, silence, and the inherited discomfort of speaking plainly about women and our bodies.
Over the years, I’ve realized that words are power used for control and resistance. The words we’re allowed to say—and the ones we’re not—don’t just reflect who we are. They shape who we become.
Think about your go-to words.
How do you typically describe yourself, your experiences, or the people around you?
Language isn’t neutral—it’s loaded. It’s shaped by culture, emotion, trauma, and taboo. Our words are often tied to our deepest wounds and our most beautiful truths. They can hurt, but they can also heal. And they absolutely shape how we understand and experience our lives.
This is why we often soften language to create emotional distance.
And yet, some of those softened phrases have never quite sat right with me:
- We say “sexual assault” instead of rape, because the latter forces us to confront the horror directly.
- We say “food insecurity” instead of hunger, because hunger is primal and urgent.
- We say “no longer with us” instead of died, to shield ourselves from the sharpness of loss.
- We say “stressed” when we may actually feel lonely, burned out, or deeply sad.
But in softening, sanitizing, or censoring, we sometimes dilute the truth—and when the truth becomes blurry, power gets rearranged.
The words we hear—and the ones we repeat—become the blueprint for how we see ourselves. I know this firsthand. It took me years to untether myself from words like sickly and fragile before I could truly feel strong and capable in my body.
So, I’ll ask you:
What words have been used to define you?
If you’ve been told you’re too much or too emotional, you might have learned to shrink. Not because it was true, but because repeated language makes it feel true.
But when the language we hear is bold, brilliant, unique, resilient—we start to grow into it. We begin to see ourselves through that lens.
Psychology confirms what we know intuitively: language and thought are inseparable. The words we use—whether imposed on us or adopted internally—become belief systems.
- A child labeled lazy may carry that identity for life, when in truth, they were overwhelmed, anxious, or unsupported.
- A woman called too sensitive might learn to doubt her instincts, when she’s actually emotionally wise and profoundly attuned.
As psychologists, we see this all the time. Reframing language is often the first step toward healing.
Change the words. Change the belief. Change the behavior.
Because what we say about ourselves—out loud or silently—becomes what we believe, even if it isn’t true. Words are power used for control and resistance. And choosing your words with intention is the first act of reclaiming yourself.
The First Act of Control Is Silencing Language
If people can’t name their pain, they can’t protest it.
If they can’t define what’s being taken from them, they can’t fight back.
That’s why authoritarian regimes, repressive systems, and even institutions with something to protect so often begin by limiting language.
It’s not just about banning words. It’s about controlling what people are capable of thinking.
Neuroscience backs this up. Our brains don’t passively receive language—they use it to build reality. The words we have access to shape what we see, how we feel, and what we believe.
Consider these examples:
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- People who develop a broader emotional vocabulary—words like resentful, overwhelmed, or disillusioned—show increased activity in brain regions responsible for emotional regulation. The ability to name a feeling brings clarity and lowers distress.
- In some East Asian languages, there’s no clear linguistic distinction between blue and green, and as a result, speakers actually perceive those colors differently than English speakers do.
- Bilingual individuals often report feeling different depending on the language they’re speaking. They might be more confident, expressive, or emotionally open in one language compared to another. Why? Because each language holds its own cultural and emotional framework—and the brain adapts.
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The takeaway is profound: If we don’t have the language for something, we may not fully perceive it—or even recognize it as real.
Using Language as a Form of Resistance
The words we choose—especially about ourselves—either open doors or close them. They either shrink us or strengthen us. They’re not just reflections of who we are; they shape who we become.
Say it again—they shape who we become!!!
If language constructs reality, then reclaiming our words is an act of freedom.
Here are five ways to use language as resistance and empowerment.
- Challenge Language That Shrinks You
Pay attention to how you speak about yourself.
“I’m bad at this” ends the conversation.
“I’m still learning” leaves room to grow.
- Reframe the Labels You’ve Inherited
Words like bossy, emotional, or difficult are often used to dismiss or control women. Reclaim and redefine them:
- Bossy? You’re clear and assertive.
- Too emotional? You’re deeply intuitive.
- Difficult? You have boundaries.
- Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary
Stop at stressed and you may miss what’s really going on.Are you overstimulated? Grieving? Resentful?
The more precise your language, the more empowered your response.
- Resist Manipulative Language
Be mindful of how language is used to distort reality:
- Collateral damage = civilian deaths
- Efficiency cuts = job losses
- Alternative facts = lies
Use the words. That alone is resistance!
- Speak to Build, Not Break
Words hold energy. Speak to empower—yourself and others. Use language that heals, affirms, and clarifies. Speak with intention, not to diminish but to elevate.
Your Words, Your World
Your words are not just expressions—they’re instruments of power.
And right now, some of the most important ones—like empathy, inclusion, equity, social justice, even women—are being erased, softened, or turned into threats.
This isn’t accidental. It’s strategic. Because if they can control your language, they can control your thinking.
So here’s the real question:
Are the words you’re using building the world you believe in—or the one you’re being told to accept? #integrity
